seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
