in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize