he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
