Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
