He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
