My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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