Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
