I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize