I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
