Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
