you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
