I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize