guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
