PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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