look no pants
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I AM VODKA MAN
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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