I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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