and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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