I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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