Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
