Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
