New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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