I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize