just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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