How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
