he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
