well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize