i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
