Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
