she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize