i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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