i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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