Sorry, I don't speak sober.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
