apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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