she was so not down for the gang bang
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
