Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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