I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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