so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
