I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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