Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
