On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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