when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
