i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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