I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
