you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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