Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
