You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
