Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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