Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
