I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
