There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
