You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
