she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
