A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
