Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
