Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
