apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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